We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy grapes and brie this week and here’s what we learned from the National Enquirer, In Touch, the Star, Life & Style and Us Weekly.

Avoiding the express line definitely has its privileges.

  • National Enquirer

    • Some movie and TV stars are gay and some are not. The Enquirer knows who’s who. They also know who's naughty or nice and who drinks right from the carton.
    • Clint Eastwood’s $375 million fortune is at risk due to romantic split. The only real question is whether or not his ex is feeling lucky. Punk.
    • Obama has secret divorce papers that are fooling voters. They weren’t born in America either.
    • Jessica Simpson’s dad’s gay lover tells all. Like where your track lighting should go and which belts go with which shoes.
    National Enquirer
  • In Touch

    • Kourtney Kardashian is marrying for money. It's not her fault. You can't fight genetics.
    • Teen Mom Catelynn tells why Tyler left her. And sounds just like a tree falling in the woods while doing it.
    • Taylor Swift dumps her Kennedy. A source says she told him, “We are never, ever, ever … whatever, you know the rest. Have fun being my next album.”
    • Honey Boo Boo demands to be taken off TV. And the television audience slowly claps in unison.
    In Touch
  • Star

    • Britney and Jason are done and Brit’s friends say she has split personalities. So it’s possible she only broke up with herself.
    • Kim Kardashian lost 28 pounds in three weeks. She finally sent the ring back to Kris Humphries.
    • Jessica Simpson’s family is torn apart over her dad’s gay lies. He promised them their butts didn’t look big in that.
    • ‘Dancing With the Stars’ contestant Kelly Monaco is involved in a sex tape shocker. The shock being anyone wants to see her in one.
    Star
  • Life & Style

    • Khloe Kardashian had the worst week of her life without Lamar. The rest of the world had the worst week of our lives when we had to see Khloe’s nipples again.
    • L&S has determined Hollywood’s cutest kid. The tyke has already slapped her assistant and checked herself into Betty Ford.
    • You can buy hot heels for under $100. The cold ones are, like, twice that much.
    • Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard are expecting their first baby. Or maybe 'Parenthood' star Dax is just a really committed Method actor.
    Life & Style
  • Us Weekly

    • The Kardashian kin are defending their men. Said one of the interchangeable sisters, “Defending means ‘exploiting for financial gain,’ right? That’s what Mom told us to do.”
    • President Obama discloses 25 things we don’t know about him. He stopped at 25 so he wouldn’t have to answer whether or not Michelle can beat him at arm wrestling.
    • When Victoria Beckham wears flats, she’s shorter than her 13-year-old son. And built like him regardless of footwear.
    • Kirstie Alley and Patrick Swayze had a secret relationship. Alley reveals that “Patrick Swayze” is her code-word for booze and it wasn't really a secret.
    Us Weekly