Wow, congrats on getting pregnant, friend. Can you just spare us and let us mail you some diapers direct from Amazon? Because NOBODY wants to go to your stupid baby shower.

Just take this 3-pack of onesies as a token of our support for your decision to have unprotected sex and make a human. Good work. How about some burp cloths? We don't even know what they're for, but according to every baby shower ever you can never have too many, so just take them all. Please, please, PLEASE do not make us actually come to your baby shower. Our list of reasons is long and true.

  • There will be no booze.

    What kind of party is this? At least at a bridal shower there's a sliver of a chance of seeing some helicopter action. Or whiskey. Do all pregnant women like to sit quietly indoors and sip lemonade from paper cups? Is that a thing now? And if you BYOB, you're suddenly the jerk who's getting wasted on homemade bloody mary's (vodka from a flask and some tomato juice we found in the back of your fridge) in front of the glowing mother-to-be.

  • The games. Dear Lord, the games.


    "Oh hey, let's melt some candy bars in a diaper so it looks like a pile of crap, and then make people guess if it's a Snickers or a Baby Ruth!" Do not do this. If this happens at the next baby shower we go to, we're going to use one of those diapers and then stick it in there with the rest of them. THAT sounds like fun.

  • Seriously?

    Something tells us none of these are veterinarian-grade horse tranquilizers. Boo.

  • You know what would be fun? Sitting quietly and taking a test!


    Just kidding. If we wanted to take a test, we would have gone to a college that had grades and actually done something with our life.

  • Also this:


    We guess since there is no booze these aren't *technically* a choking hazard. Although, as far as we're concerned, this is more of a double-fault than a plus.

  • Pregnancy is full of sweet surprises!


    Like preeclampsia! And mucus plugs! Listen, we will sip your watery lemonade, and clap when you pull another pacifier out of a gift bag, but don't make us pretend there isn't something with fingernails growing inside you, cool?

  • And why is eating baby-shaped things okay all of a sudden?


    We know we may have come across as slightly anti-baby, but that does not mean we want to chow down on one. Seriously, WTF, you guys.

  • This is straight-up a picture of a fetus that you're supposed to eat.


    A line has been crossed at this point. Maybe if you filled a plastic sack with some pulled pork and called it "placenta," we would be cool with that. MAYBE. But "eat this picture of my unborn child" is just a *touch* too much for us.

  • At least we're not the only one who's having a bad time.

    We can basically imagine how all of these scenarios got started. Please do not invite us to your baby shower.